No aspect of a writer’s job offers more opportunity for euphoria (and anxiety) than a booksigning. But how do these events really go down?

The Fantasy. Your escort picks us up at the airport and drives you to the largest bookstore in the state. She tells you they’ve advertised the event in the three local papers and on the radio. When you arrive, there are a hundred fans already waiting. You meet the excited staff and sit behind a table stocked with a huge pile of books, under a giant color poster of your cover. You read a chapter aloud, receive thunderous applause, and then do a quick Q & A before signing for a solid 90 minutes, people waiting patiently in an endless line to tell you how much they love you.

The Reality. You arrive at the bookstore ten minutes early. There’s no crowd of fans---there’s not even one. No posters, no signs, no table full of books. The employees look at you like you’ve grown a second nose when you say you’re the author and there to sign. Finally you convince someone to help you and they unearth a box of your books and set up a small table for you in the rear of the store, near the washrooms. You sit there for two hours, each second an eternity. People try hard to avoid eye-contact when they pass. Some approach you and ask where The DaVinci Code is. One will always come over and say, “So you’re an author? I’ve got a lot of ideas. How about I tell them to you, you write them, and we’ll split the millions?” No one buys a book. It’s debasing, humiliating, discouraging, and you vow to never do this again.

The Plan. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With proper preparation, and a little bit of self-confidence, you can do very well at bookstore signings even if your last name isn’t Clancy. Here’s how.

A Month Before the Event. Book the signing yourself by calling or dropping by the bookstore and speaking to a manager or an event coordinator.

Often the store is not very receptive---author events don’t ever go well. Convince them that yours will, because you have a different way of doing things.

If you’re with a small publisher, your books may be difficult or impossible to order. Offer to bring the books in yourself and give the bookseller the standard 40% discount.

If you’re with a large publisher, they might refuse to pay the store co-op money (publishers pay stores to host events, often between fifty and several hundred dollars.)

If that’s the case, the store won’t be allowed to host a signing. Tell them you don’t want to do an official signing, but rather a drop-in just to sign stock. Then make sure they have at least twenty copies available.

Two weeks before the event. Advertising is up to you. Make a flyer featuring the date and time of the signing, your book cover, and a few blurbs. Send the bookstore 100 copies.

List the event on your website and in your newsletter, with an address and a phone number for the bookstore.

If you haven’t already, make a large (2 ’x 3’) poster of your book cover and a sign that says “AUTHOR EVENT TODAY.” Often your publisher will do this for you; just ask when you receive the cover art. Or you can have one made from a digital file at any copy shop, like Fed-Ex Kinkos.

Three days before the event. Call the store and make sure they have copies of your book in. If they don’t, remind them that you can bring copies of your own.

Most authors get discounted copies from their publisher. Instead, I suggest you buddy up with a local independent bookstore owner, and ask if she can sell you copies at her 40% discount. That way, they count toward your royalties.

How do you become friends with a local indie? Make them your base of operations, and have anyone who wants a signed copy go through them. Also, use them for your initial booklaunch party---they’ll be happy to help you out after that.

Day of the event. Make sure you have the essentials; 100 business cards with your website on them, flyers that feature some blurbs and reviews, some mints (so your breath stays fresh), some bottled water (hydration is important), and a nametag that says “AUTHOR.”

Dress. Business casual or better. Shaved, bathed, combed, made up and smelling nice.

Upon arrival. Get there fifteen minutes early to set up. Your first order of business is to introduce yourself to EVERY employee in the bookstore. Shake their hands. Give them a signed business card. Briefly tell them what your book is about, and let them know you’ll be there for a few hours.

Bring pizza or donuts for the staff. Employees are used to bigshot authors snubbing them. Be a bigshot author who appreciates them, and they’ll champion your books for life.

Set up. Sometimes the bookstore has already set up a table for you. Try to get one at the front of the store. If not, no problem---you can work around it.

Put your flyers and some business cards on the table, and hang your poster in a prominent place. Make sure your books are arranged in an attractive manner.

An employee might offer you a chair. Kindly tell them you don’t need one—you’ll be on your feet for the whole event.