Dear Dr. Hendlin:

"People in my life, dubbed The Criticism Choir, often verbally attack me about my writing. The Choir members are mostly relatives and friends of the family. They started with things like ‘You can't write. Nobody will want to read it. It's crap. You're too ugly to be a writer. You're too ugly to be anything. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Poor white trash is what you are and that's not going to change.'

They recently started criticizing my role as a mother and taunted me with comments about disappointing the grandmother I was close to until her death. The attacks have gotten worse as I've moved closer to my goals. I know the comments aren't about me as much as they are a reflection of the speaker's fears and regrets. Knowing doesn't always take the sting away. I hate the doubts they instill and I get angry with myself for letting them get to me. When the choir is active, I withdraw and my writing suffers. I stop answering the phone, don't return emails and become an observer rather than a participant. Do you have any tips on how to deal with the choir more effectively?"

Response:

You are both geographically and emotionally too close to your “criticism choir.” With sufficient distance, the choir would serve as no more than unpleasant background noise. Instead, they are a screaming cacophony from which you are unable to escape. That is clear from your withdrawing behavior when the choir is active. For you to continue to be affected so severely by their critical words means you have not yet learned how to create the necessary space you need to become your own woman.

The core issue is your own growing up by individuating from your family. This includes living on your own terms and demanding the respect and consideration you deserve for your choices, including your desire to write. The problem is complicated by the fact that your husband is apparently just as willing to stand for this ongoing barrage of humiliation as you are.

Your writing is a tangential issue but convenient target for the choir to focus their criticism. It represents just one more area for your toxic family to disapprove of you and do their best to keep you embedded in your “poor white trash” mentality. Reading, writing and education symbolize rising above the ignorance in which your family lives. Education of any kind is threatening to them. So the more you write, the more you threaten them by rising above them.

They fear you will ultimately realize you don’t need them anymore and move away. And they are taunting you, pushing you out the door first, before you leave them on your own.

But they are also hoping that continued verbal abuse will hook your insecurities, resulting in your staying forever. That’s what has worked in the past and what they are hoping will continue to do so. And they have good reason to believe this. After all, look how long you have been willing to tolerate it—a whole lifetime!

You have, of course, given yourself a “good excuse” to continue to accept their abuse. Since I have more information about you than you provide in this letter, let’s look at your rationale for currently accepting this humiliation. If I asked you why you feel you must continue to have contact with your family, you would tell me you don’t want to deprive your daughters of a relationship with their grand-parents or in-laws. You would tell me that your parents are playful with your kids, that they are better grandparents than they were parents.

I understand your sensitivity to your kids, and your willingness to take an emotionally traumatic bullet that rips you apart in the service of “saving” your children from not losing the grandparents in their life. But I believe you are paying too dear a personal price in your altruistic self-sacrifice at the alter of shame, anger, self-disgust, and humiliation.

Did you ever consider that your kids may soon receive the same treatment from your parents, sibs, and in-laws as you are now subject to? If the choir members identify with being “white trash” and are happy to live with limited goals for themselves, did it occur to you that those same values will be demonstrated repeatedly in large and small ways to your kids? That their values already are being demonstrated by the choir that surrounds them? That having your parents use you as a “toxic waste dump” cannot possibly escape the notice of your children in both conscious and unconscious ways?

Your husband’s and your efforts together have not and will not be enough to countermand or reverse the negativity that comes from the rest of your family. Your situation is particularly noxious in that your husband’s parents are no more loving to you or him than your own. There is apparently no support from anyone in your family.

Now, before I suggest a way out of your predicament, consider that your reaction to my suggestion will be a good diagnostic indicator as to how attached you are to listening to your choir. The stronger you resist my suggestion, the more you will know that you are locked in to their “ugly loser poor white trash” program.

With that in mind, here’s your tip: Get yourself, your husband, and your kids out of that scene. Even if your parents suddenly awoke tomorrow, promising to treat you like a human being (let alone a daughter), there is still good reason for you to seriously consider transcending your “poor white trash” village and moving to more tolerant, loving, supportive, and enlightened pastures. Then you could deal with the choir on your own terms, having created the necessary emotional and geographical distance to breathe, grow up and take control of your life. And I trust that if you do, not only will your writing take on a new, more vibrant life, but your kids will, too.

© 2006 Steven Hendlin, Ph.D.

Steven Hendlin, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Newport Beach, California
who has been in private practice for 30 years. Formerly a columnist for TheStreet.com for 74 consecutive weeks, he currently writes the “Shrink Rap” column for COAST Magazine. Dr. Hendlin is the author of four books and hundreds of professional and popular articles, reviews, and columns.

Visit him at www.hendlin.net. He is pleased to receive your comments and questions for publication in his Backspace column at shrink.rap1@yahoo. com, but please remember that he is unable to provide personal counseling or psychotherapy through the mail.