Sometimes their avoidance of trying anything new will be expressed as a lack of interest. They would rather tell themselves and others they are "not interested" than admit their inability to risk their vulnerable feelings of being a beginner.

They need to believe that if they only had the interest, they could do anything well. And as long as they don’t try, this belief never has to be put to the test.

"Never enough" thinking often leads to procrastination.

• Even when they are willing to try something new, it may be only after a long period of procrastination. The fear of failure, possible humiliation and the feelings of shame that go with it overcome whatever initial excitement they may have experienced at the thought of trying something new. Paralyzing them from initiating action, procrastination protects them from the dread of the less-than-perfect result, which they view as failure. Fear of failure also leads to procrastination with regard to more familiar tasks and projects. This stifles their creativity and performance, holding them back from what they most desire—achievement.
  
• Procrastinators often rationalize their inability to face their fears of rejection and humiliation by all kinds of "good" excuses for not beginning a task. So, they not only avoid taking on threatening projects that may expose them to shame and humiliation, but avoid even the acknowledgement that they are avoiding! Because of this, it’s necessary to first help procrastinators admit that, indeed, they are fearful of a catastrophic outcome. Once this fear can be acknowledged, it becomes possible to work more directly with catastrophic expectations and negative thinking.
  
• No matter how well they perform, they struggle to feel satisfied with the outcome. They feel an inner emptiness instead of the joy of accomplishment.

Mark receives word from his agent that his book proposal has received interest by a prestigious publisher—just the one he was hoping for. He’d just heard from his agent a few hours before reporting this to me. He says, "Yea, I guess it’s a feather in my cap. But it feels like I just measured up to what I expected of myself, so why should I make a big deal out of it? And, besides, they probably won’t offer what I’m really looking for." He’s unable to show any excitement about the offer or feel good about it, so that it can nourish him. Instead, since he expects only the best, he has simply measured up—nothing more—so what’s there to feel good about?

I see this over and over again with perfectionists. There is an inability to savor the moment of accomplishment and an unwillingness to celebrate the event. Where excitement, joy, and satisfaction ought to be, there is only an emptiness or deadness. Sometimes, the perfectionist is aware of this emptiness and says something like: "I know I ought to feel good about this but instead I just feel numb." Or this deadness may be expressed by the question, "Is that all there is to it? It didn’t seem like the goal was hard enough to achieve," implying that it is only all right to feel good if the task is difficult and takes a long time to accomplish. Sometimes they will even use this moment of accomplishment to put themselves down: "Oh, it isn’t all that important. I should have received a higher offer."

This is a tricky and contradictory dynamic: While, on the one hand, as perfectionists, they want things to be magically easy to accomplish, at the same time, they are mistrusting of themselves if they accomplish something too easily. Since they basically don’t trust whatever talent they have, they are suspicious of anything that they don’t have to work very hard to attain. This makes for a frustrating and miserable no-win situation— "If it’s too easy, I won’t value it (me), yet I expect to be able to do everything expertly without much effort."

The perfectionist fears being found out as an impostor.

To have temporarily measured up is only to have succeeded in pushing away the fear of failure for a while longer. This is partially why there is so little true ability to feel satisfaction and joy for the perfectionist. Failure is always lurking just around the corner, with the next performance, promotion, evaluation or misfortune.

This fear of failure is related to the perfectionist’s often-stated feeling of being a "phony" or feeling like an "impostor." To be an impostor is to feel that they are deceiving others and are not for real. They sense they are not as competent or worthy as they appear to be. The impostor knows he will sooner or later be found out—it’s only a matter of time. And he almost wishes it would be sooner, so he could give up the anxiety-tinged charade.

The fear of failure and being "found out" is so strong because the perfectionist doesn’t feel the inner self-worth that can sustain any type of criticism. To be less than perfect is to be fallible, to make mistakes. And when the perfectionist makes a mistake, she believes others will make the same harsh, rejecting judgments that she makes toward herself.

The part of the perfectionist’s self-concept that strongly identifies with this role of "being perfect" is confronted by the evidence that to the contrary, she is fallible like everyone else. Because of all-or nothing thinking, then, her inner critic believes that admitting mistakes means that she is not only less than perfect but incompetent and a phony. The thinking goes like this: "If I think I am a perfectionist but really I am fallible, than I am a phony and my fallibility will be discovered and used to humiliate me. I‘m really inadequate, just like my parents always told me."

Perfectionists may also feel like impostors because they are able to create a surface picture of competence and control that covers their inner sense of confusion and turmoil. But as they achieve higher levels of responsibility, the fear of finally having their incompetence "found out" begins to crack the outer pretense of self-assurance.

Contributing to the driven nature of the perfectionist is the "So what have you done for me lately?" mentality which is generated both from within, as well as from the outward performance-oriented society. The message is clear: "You’re only as good as your last victory, sale, or book. Don’t stop—keep pushing for more." But this is heard and experienced by the perfectionist as, "You are only a good (lovable, worthwhile) person if you keep on performing. Don’t stop now or you’ll turn to dust." To stop performing is to diminish one’s sense of self-worth, feel empty, and to have one’s identity challenged to the core.

This "So, what have you done for me lately"? mentality is sanctioned by the competitive nature of our society. It is "never enough" to hit the best-seller list once or win a prestigious writing award. We expect authors to do it again and again. And if they can’t, sooner or later, they are sure to be viewed as nothing more than a vapor trail.

This essay is adapted from my book, When Good Enough is Never Enough: Escaping the Perfection Trap (Tarcher/Putnam, 1992).

© 2006 Steven Hendlin, Ph.D.

Steven Hendlin, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Newport Beach, California
who has been in private practice for 30 years. Formerly a columnist for TheStreet.com for 74 consecutive weeks, he currently writes the “Shrink Rap” column for COAST Magazine. Dr. Hendlin is the author of four books and hundreds of professional and popular articles, reviews, and columns.

Visit him at www.hendlin.net. He is pleased to receive your comments and questions for publication in his Backspace column at baney@yahoo. com, but please remember that he is unable to provide personal counseling or psychotherapy through the mail.